Never Been Chased

I still think of her as “Krazy Kim”. What else do you call a girl who Facebooked a guy right after she met him?

Recently, a guy approached Kim* in the mall, they chatted and she gave him her number. After he walked away, she immediately whipped out her phone and “friended” him.

I imagined a creeped out look on his face when he saw a friend request from her before he even had a chance to send a “Nice 2 meet U” text. I winced, hoping he didn’t have Facebook emails sent to his phone.

Maybe he would give Kim credit for being able to pick out which “David Johnson*” was him among the millions of David Johnsons on Facebook — differentiated only by a thumbnail picture in a small Blackberry screen. My friends and I were horrified that Kim had shamelessly Facebook stalked him so quickly.

The most vocal of the group said, “Wow Kim!* Give the man a chance to chase you.”

“Chase me?” She rolled her eyes. “Guys don’t do that anymore.”

We all laughed, but that’s when it hit me:

I’ve never been chased.

Of all my previous relationships, I don’t think any were the result of me being “caught”. My relationships evolved – at least in my mind – out of a mutual liking for one another. Many guys I’ve liked either “had me at ‘hello’” or we dated by default: we emerged as a couple out of a group of friends; I was a cheerleader for his basketball team; a friend hooked us up, etc. Other times I meet a guy, we exchange numbers and if he doesn’t call or only calls a few times, I quickly forget all about him. I’ve never been in a situation where I meet a guy, he likes me, I’m clearly not interested, yet he pursues me until I change my mind and we start dating. I’m not counting guys that liked me (who had zero potential) begging me to date them until I was ready to file a restraining order. I’m talking about a desirable man.

But, do desirable men chase women anymore?

Some people would say no. But, I’ve always heard that a man will stop at nothing to get what he wants in life–including a woman. If this is true, what about the women?

This is where it gets tricky. I know many women who, like me, are go-getters. We are taught to work hard to achieve our goals. We see something we want — a job, an A in a class, an internship, to lose weight, etc and we do what we have to do to get it. We skillfully exert complete control over every aspect of our lives. But when it comes to guys, all of the sudden, we are expected to wait for them “chase” us? In relationships is someone always chasing someone?

Unlike Krazy Kim, I would not even consider chasing a man – at least not on purpose. However, I am so used to manipulating every other aspect of my life to fit exactly how I want it to be, so who knows whether or not that spills over into relationships? Most girls know that there are ways to make a guy feel like he has chosen her when, in reality, she had chosen him. But, with all of the things I have to work for in life, it would be refreshing to not even have to do that and instead to finally have someone working for me (or at least, for my affections).

On the flip side, sometimes I feel I am incapable of being chased because that would mean I have to relinquish control over my own life. Am I willing to do that? I insist on taking the wheel of my romantic life, as though I’m afraid some guy will drive me off a cliff. The problem is I’m a bad driver.

That makes me wonder, do the most successful relationships result from a man chasing a woman?

Or is this idea incredibly outdated?

*names have been changed

"Notorious" Represents Everything That Is Wrong With Black America

When I first heard “a movie is coming out about Biggie Smalls”, I laughed.

I asked my informant, “Why in the world would I want to pay to sit through a movie about some rapper?”

Later, I saw the previews and decided to see the movie. I think I changed my mind because I was intrigued by the thought of actors and actresses playing the parts of people I recognize whom are still alive and still in their careers (such as Faith Evans, P. Diddy, Lil Kim etc).

The movie exceeded my expectations in terms of acting and storyline; however, I was stunned at how ignorant “The Notorious B.I.G” was during his short lifetime. I didn’t expect him to be Einstein, but did he have to make decisions like a six month old child who looks in the mirror, walks away and forgets what he looks like? The entire movie –with the exception of the five minutes that he was in elementary school– it seemed he, like too many other black males in America, only wanted to make choices that led to one of two places in life: prison or the casket. His whole life was a case study in what not to do.

His life experiences represent everything that is wrong with Black America: teenage pregnancy, drugs, rebellion, high school dropout and prison. I left the movie more convinced than ever that Christopher Wallace was both a womanizer and a mediocre rapper ultimately slain by his own arrogance and stupidity.

I’ll never understand who thought it was a good idea to preface the historical event that was Barack Obama’s presidential inauguration with a movie about an increasingly irrelevant former hip-hop star. In the end, it’s all about the money, but the movie would’ve made money any weekend. Why release it that weekend?

Black people in this country really do not need another movie (true story or not) about black men being rappers and/or thugs who go to prison and/or get killed. Aren’t we over that narrative yet? Can’t we permanently move on from negative depictions that are portrayed as the norm, but really stand in stark contrast to all that we can be, will be and are as a people? Has change come to America, or not?

Of course, in the movie, Biggie pulled the tired “I had no father so I’m a thug” justification. Barack Obama didn’t have a father and he is the president of the United States. Next excuse?

In a country where more black children are born to unwed mothers than married parents, it is high time we abandon that defense and conscientiously choose something better for our lives and for our children’s lives. A father’s presence is of the utmost importance, but a person cannot justify going to prison because they didn’t have a father in the home.

My irreverent attitude toward “Biggie” might rub some people the wrong way, but I recently watched a black man be inaugurated as president of the United States and that means something to me. Among other things, it means it is a new day in Black America. Our problems aren’t over and our future is not secure, but I refuse to glorify a past in which many people couldn’t dream of seeing a black man in office. And I’m certainly not going to begin to esteem a lifestyle that sends too many black people to prison and the grave.

If “Notorious” showed us anything in the three days before Obama’s inauguration, it is that we needed January 20th more than we realized. Maybe now young black children can look past their street corners or BET’s Rap City for role models. What might Wallace’s life have been had he, instead of aspiring to own gold chains and white-on-white Nike Air Force Ones, aspired to graduate from Harvard Law School and become president of the United States like Barack Obama?

Wallace may not have reached that goal, but more than likely he would have lived long enough to try.

Permanently Delete This Contact?

Permanently delete this contact?

My phone waited expectantly for my “yes or no” as I began to reflect.

I had met him nearly a year ago. Attractive, unflappable, accomplished and incredibly intelligent, Brody* epitomized what I wanted in a man. In the beginning, he told me he “wasn’t looking for a girlfriend” at that time. I didn’t necessarily want a boyfriend either, so I thought I would be fine in a pseudo-relationship. However, the more we talked and hung out, the more he grew into being my friend, my desire, “my person”; unfortunately, I began to realize that feeling wasn’t mutual.

We had a great time together, but sometimes he did things to remind me that we weren’t in a committed relationship – such as talk to other girls while I was in eyesight, flirt with my friends, not return phone calls and only text or call me late at night. I dated other guys too, but none of them measured up to Brody in my mind. I really liked him and the lack of emotional security in our “relationship” coupled with my growing awareness that he was holding me at arm’s length began to erode my self-esteem. At times, Brody’s actions reeked of nonchalance toward me and I started stressing about him too much. I decided I had to get out of the “relationship” if I ever wanted to be truly happy. So, one afternoon it had come down to this: Permanently delete? Yes or No.

Twenty-four hours before that afternoon, I texted him to say “hi” and had gotten no response. Brody was up all hours of the night and his cell phone is practically an extension of his hand, so I knew, once again, that I was being ignored. (Besides, Facebook mobile makes it pretty hard for someone to prove that he didn’t see your call/text when he clearly used his phone to update his status.) I was fed up. I needed a drastic measure. So, I took the advice from countless women’s magazines and “get over him” websites and I decided to delete him from my phone. Never mind the fact that I had his number memorized, this was a symbolic gesture. The phone represented my life. And deleting him from my contact list was the first important step to deleting him from my life.

As I stared at the phone, I began to ask myself some questions. Did I have the willpower (or even the want-to) to delete Brody from my life? To risk letting go of something I had been working overtime to hold onto for so long? To finally accept that all of my efforts would never result in a happy ending for us? Was I ready to throw in the towel – the tattered towel I had been using to wipe the tears from my face?

Sure I wanted things to change between us. I was sick of unreturned phone calls and ignored text messages. Sick of waiting for him to decide that I was worth more than the occasional late night text. Sick of waiting for him to change his mind and give me a real chance. Sick of the overanalyzation with my friends. Sick of the feelings of inadequacy. Sick of thinking about, dreaming about and wanting someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same way about me. I needed a change.

But did that change involve deleting him permanently?

Did I want to end things before they even had a chance to start (even if that chance to start had been held up by him indefinitely)? Did I want to lose a friend? Was I, in the words of Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw, so addicted to the pain, the excruciating pain of wanting someone so unattainable? Or did I really have hope and, by deleting him, would I be prematurely throwing all hope away?

The answer seems obvious – delete him. But maybe it’s not that simple.

My cell phone is still waiting.

Permanently delete this contact? Yes or no?



*name has been changed

Written on: 1/20/09

10 Things I Learned in 2008

Every year on New Year's Eve, I write New Year's Resolutions (if you know me, I'm sure you're not surprised I do that). I know I will be the same person at 12:01am that I am right now, but I think the process of self-reflection, recognizing flawed judgment and the willingness to improve upon myself is very important. So, even when I don't necessarily keep (or even remember) my resolutions, I still think the gesture is helpful. Besides, I am going to change anyway, so I might as well get myself on track to change for the better.

Anyway, when I sat down to write my New Year's Resolutions, I began to reflect upon this past year. All things considered, 2008 has been nothing short of an incredible year for me. God has blessed me tremendously. Of course there are some words I wish I could "un-speak", some actions I wish I could "undo" and some people I wish I could "un-meet"; however, this has been one of the best years of my life.

I changed so much in 2008 and WOW have I learned...I should be getting some sort of college credit for these lessons.

1. Everyone has their own personal "gut". Go with yours.
Never again will I allow myself to stay in a situation that I can see ending badly because someone else told me that I should "stop tripping and just see what happens". Why do I need to "see what happens" when I can tell you, in detail, exactly what is going to happen? I am no exception to general rules. Some things never, ever change and the best thing to do is to not expect them to. Don't wait until there are more red flags waving than at an Ohio State football game. Go with your gut.

2. Chemistry does not equal compatibility
Don't be surprised if you see that statement written on my forehead in permanent marker from now on. I don't know about men, but ladies, we've all been there. He's cute. He's nice. He likes you. But after the initial butterflies wear off, you realize that you have nothing, nada, zilch in common. It may be after the first hour of your second date that you (the queen of chatter) run out of things to talk about. Or maybe it's when you're watching TV and you're arguing over watching CNN or the international soccer game. Or when you're explaining for the fifth time why you can't "just hang out" with him doing nothing for an entire day. You realize that you may like each other, but you are clearly not compatible.

3. The only time love equals nothing is during a tennis game. Life is not a tennis game.
I heard that once and thought it was funny. So true though.

4. Making one mistake is not justification for making another one.
In fact, it's more of a reason not to make the same mistake the next time. What is the use of experience if I don't learn from it?

5. Female friends are a necessity
Remember when I said 2008 was the best year ever? That is with the exception of relationships. If I took this year as any indication of what my "love life" would possibly look like in the future, then excuse me while I marry my career. But one upside to the ridiculousness of men in my life this year is that I have had time to reconfigure and reprioritize the presence of females in my life -- and they are of the utmost importance. I love my friends. They understand me in ways that only another girl can. I don't have a ton of friends (no thank you), but the ones that I do have mean a lot to me. They're the ones who understand why a White Castle hamburger is significant for me hahaha. 2008 will go down as the year of friendship. I hope these girls are my friends forever.

6. The words "friend" and "soror" are not interchangeable
That's all I'm going to say about that.

7. No reason to stay is a good reason to go
I have a problem with giving up on stuff without getting what I want even if there is no rational reason for me to keep trying. I don't know if it is my inherent need to win or not wanting the time I invested to be in vain, but either way, I hate throwing in the towel. Recently I was discussing a situation with my friend and she said, "You can put a year of your life into something and get nothing out of it or put three years of your life into something and still get nothing out of it. The only thing worse than a year is a year and a day, so you might as well just walk away now." I told you I love my friends.

8. When all else fails, blame oxytocin.
This is a poor, poor excuse, but it makes me feel a lot less ridiculous.

9. Unpaid interns living in Atlanta or NYC should never, ever get a credit card
I consider myself to be fiscally disciplined. I like to shop and go out to eat, but I know that being broke isn't worth any outfit or meal. However, when it came to my summer in NYC and my fall in Atlanta, I seemed to have lost the sense that says "when you dont have a job, you shouldn't be buying anything". I racked up an incredible amount of credit card debt. If I could do it all again, I would have never signed up for the cards and instead just begged my parents for money, worked at a restaurant late at night or (here's a novel idea) told myself "no".

10. Life goes on -- and just when you think you'll never get over it, you realize that you already are.
Circumstances have a way of looming larger than life. I fall out with a friend, get my heart broken, lose sixty dollars in the mall, get fired from a newspaper, miss a phone call from an anchor at a top twenty market, get a C on a test and all of the sudden my life is over (I told you I'm intense). Time passes and I think back to that event or person and I realize that I am so over that. It's funny because I remember at the time that I thought I would never get over it. But I have and I will. I find comfort in the fact that when I'm over it, I'm over it. Life goes on.

Of course, none of these things are ground-breaking and I've learned way more than ten things this year, but this is all for now. Stay tuned for my autobiography that I will write in the next twenty-five years. I'm sure there will be a chapter entitled, "2008". It will be all about this fabulous year.

Happy New Year :)

Written 12/31/08

Just A Thought About Unrequited Love

So, since my mind is not completely consumed with the election anymore (*sigh*), it has wandered to other things. Like why does it get dark two hours early now even though we set the clock only one hour back? Why do we do that anyway? Whatever happened to 702? Am I shrinking? You know...things like that. Lol. But today, one of my pretty 14 Karats' status inspired me and I began to think...

The phrase “unrequited love” in an oxymoron to me.

How can "love" be "unrequited"?

According to the credible source that is Wikipedia (lol), unrequited love is “love that is not openly reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may not even be aware of their admirer's deep affections. This can lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria. “

Hmmm. Depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria?

If that’s “love” or anything close to it, show me to the nearest desert island because I don’t want to fall in “love” with anyone!!

I’ve been in love before and it was nothing like that...ever. Love is (for lack of a term to describe the indescribable) wonderful…it is supercalifragilistiespialadoshus.

Love doesn't make you feel pathetic. Love doesn't make you feel like you're living in some sort of odd mix of dream/reality/fantasy/nightmare. Love doesn't make you feel like you're wishing on a dumb star. Love doesn't make you feel like you're settling for someone who wouldn't dream of settling for you. Love doesn't drain you of your energy. In the words of Keli, Love doesn't make you want to "rip out a page of your memory". Love doesn't make you feel like something is wrong with you.

Most of all, love is a two-way street.

I don’t believe one person can truly love another person unless that person loves the other person too. Are you following me? A woman is not truly in love with a man unless that man is truly in love with the woman.

Love is something you do, something you give, something you can feel, something you receive. It is not eternally painful. It doesn’t make you want cry all the time. It doesn’t confuse the crap out of you or make you wonder what the heck is going on. Sure there are problems and all of that in even the most loving relationship, however, when it’s love, you know. And if it’s unrequited then it’s not love.

Before you yell “blaspheme!” and fill the comment box with your true life story of how you were so “in love” with someone who didn’t love you back, let me pre-diagnose you: You were just being d-r-a-m-a-t-i-c.

Of course if you call it "love" then it adds a sort of legitimacy to the whole thing. I'm guilty of doing it too. But, if we really think about all that love is, we have to admit that unrequited is just not one of those things.

I will say though, that I’m sure I've come as close as possible to loving someone without him loving me back.

But I can’t say it was love. Overwhelming pain is not equal to overwhelming euphoria. I can't take the great feeling that is love and apply it to some guy who couldn’t care less about me or my feelings. That's not love at all...from him or from me. Sometimes we deceive ourselves or at least try to.

And sometimes it’s not love and we know it, yet we still call it that. Sometimes it's ego (I just want you to like me). Sometimes it’s masochism (I am going to keep allowing you to break my heart over and over because I am addicted to the pain). Sometimes it’s addiction (I can’t stop thinking about you). Sometimes it’s infatuation (I like him soooooo much). Sometimes it’s just a crush (He’s a hottie!)

But it is never, ever love if he doesn’t love you back.

Or is it?

Just a thought...

Written by: 11/12/08

Why Am I Single

Why am I single?

It’s a valid question, I suppose. I am asked that question on an all too regular basis. How does someone answer that question? There is the simplistic lie: “Because I want to be.” I call it a lie because I believe that people innately desire companionship. Even the most non-committal or just oh-so-spiritual person you know will be in a relationship if he or she finds the right person. I know I sound hopelessly romantic and maybe I am. But, I never believe someone who says they don’t want to date right now or they are focusing on career/school or whatever. Nope. He/she just hasn’t found the person that makes them want to abandon their foolishness. So, maybe that’s the answer. Maybe I am still single because I haven’t found the right person and I have zero desire to date the wrong person. Let me be clear, I'm not talking about marriage or finding "the one". I mean the right person to date for the time in my life that I am in. There is a big difference. There's a lot less pressure on the latter. Anyway, maybe I am single because...

I go to Ohio University.
Twenty thousand people in that school divided by race reminiscent of the 1960s. Therefore, as a black female, that twenty thousand dwindles down to 693 (I checked OU’s enrollment statistics for Spring 2008). I guesstimate that at least 400 of that 700 are females. 300 guys left. 299 are younger than I am. That leaves one. I have no idea who that one person is, but imagining that one makes life interesting haha. And I don’t even insist on an IBM (Ideal Black Man). I am more in search of a MAC (Man of Any Color). Dogs come in all breeds and I can't be counting out gems cuz I'm stuck on race and silly stereotypes. LOL. But at OU, interracial interaction, let alone dating, barely exists outside of the classroom, so we are talking about black dating prospects at OU. Dismal. I used to feel like my college experience was incomplete because I never dated anyone there. I have since gotten over that. Can’t have it all.

“I been there, I dunn that”
It’s not like I’ve always been single. Nope. I used to date every other guy that looked twice at me. I used to think I was the enforcer of every man’s right to date a girl he likes. Equal Opportunity Dater shoulda been a sign on my forehead. We’re talking the who’s who list of jerks in Columbus and Atlanta. Hahaha. Okay, they weren’t all jerks. I was definitely a jerk to some of them (sorry). But, for the most part, these dudes were dirty, dirty and they weren’t all in the south either. I mean, there were the ones who smoked and sold weed, had children, didn’t see graduating from high school as a necessity, spent time in prison, stalked me, lied to me about being a Christian, had no idea what the heck was going on in the world, possessed zero ambition, oh and, of course, the one too many who threatened (and followed through) on having sex with another girl if I didn’t have sex with him…one even had sex with a girl at church while I was upstairs at choir practice. Praise the Lord. Hahaha. Some of them have cleaned up their act now (we were young), but I’ve never been one to read an old newspaper. For what? Especially not one that I snotted and cried all over (and that’s especially if I took the breakup that hard). I make a conscious effort not to date replicas of old boyfriends and I have never once dated an actual old boyfriend.

I’m picky
That’s my mom saying that. Notice the above paragraph. Clearly not. Maybe now I am picky maybe, but that is because I’ve dated every other type of guy there is to date. All that is left is a good guy haha. So, now I have a list which I will not divulge here. But from the list in the above paragraph you can be certain that I have a no-brainer-this-is-a-deal-breaker list. Haha.

I (sometimes) like guys who don’t like me.
This is self-explanatory. Any girl who has ever liked a guy who showed virtually no real interest in her except in the most convenient of circumstances knows what I am talking about. He is a bad decision because every moment spent with him, thinking about him, talking about him or whatever is a colossal waste of time. There is absolutely no future there. Pretending not to care about that or worse not to unequivocally know that is, quite frankly, utterly, incomprehensibly ridiculous. Any investment in him will guarantee zero, or worse, negative returns. I used to think I could make any guy like me. I'm growing up and realizing that any guy I have to work to get, I will have to work to keep, and well, that's just too much work. I have wasted valuable time on this one haha….wait, it’s really not funny.

I am all over the place
This is my favorite excuse. One that is hard to argue with. I live in Athens during school; I am from Columbus; I was in NYC all summer; I am going to Atlanta for three months in September; I am going back to Athens for six months in January; and I have no idea what I am going to be doing or where I will be after I graduate 6/13/09 (mark your calendar!). It’s hard enough to make decisions on my own, but having to make decisions based on another person would just be too much for me. And when I go places, I know I’m only there for a little bit so any guy who tries to make something official with me, I determine that he is “doing too much” and he never hears from me again.

I am not trying to get married right now
When people think of girls and dating they think every girl is looking for a man to drag down the aisle. Marriage will be nice in due season, but I’m twenty-two. I’m still young and having fun. This presents the predicament of guys who don’t want to date me in fear that I will expect them to ask me to marry him. Then there are the ones who are only interested in “wife”-ing me up. I don’t want to be anyone’s wife. Real or pseudo. I wouldn’t mind being someone’s girlfriend, but wife is a bit much for me right now.

And it’s not that I don’t like being single. I think there are upsides and downsides.

I mean, it’s nice to think to myself, “I want to go to the zoo” and then call him and say “let’s go to the zoo on Saturday” And he is like, “okay, cool.” There’s no weirdness. Pretty much the best thing about being in an actual, serious relationship is having an unspoken date for everything from lazy Sunday afternoons watching television to road trips out of town for a weekend. It kind of sucks sometimes thinking that I want to do something and can’t think of anyone to do it with, so I just don’t do it. Clearly, there is a reason why I STILL haven’t seen Dark Knight lol.

But there are definitely upsides to single life. I can do whatever I want without someone blowing up my phone asking me where I’m at, what am I doing, why am I doing it, how am I paying for it and blah, blah, blah. If you really think about it, all that checking in is ridiculous. Leave me alone! Lol. If I want to sit in my room watching Friends on DVD for three hours while devouring ice cream, I don’t have to have someone say, “Haven’t you seen every episode? Why are you watching that? I thought you said you weren’t eating all that ice cream anymore? I thought you were going to call me when you woke up!” It gets annoying. And there is no he-said/she-said D-R-A-M-A (enough said on that one haha).

Again, it’s not that I don’t like being single. Sometimes it’s the greatest thing ever. I have rediscovered that I have a family, female friends, talent and a neglected relationship with God. Being single is not all bad. I just don’t like being asked why I am single. I guess it’s a flattering question…especially if it comes from a guy. But it also makes me start to question too, why AM I single? And that’s when it’s time for me to shrug my shoulders, mutter “Because I want to be” and go back to eating my ice cream and watching Season 4 of Friends on DVD…that show is hilarious! Lol.

Written on: 8/22/08