Permanently Delete This Contact?

Permanently delete this contact?

My phone waited expectantly for my “yes or no” as I began to reflect.

I had met him nearly a year ago. Attractive, unflappable, accomplished and incredibly intelligent, Brody* epitomized what I wanted in a man. In the beginning, he told me he “wasn’t looking for a girlfriend” at that time. I didn’t necessarily want a boyfriend either, so I thought I would be fine in a pseudo-relationship. However, the more we talked and hung out, the more he grew into being my friend, my desire, “my person”; unfortunately, I began to realize that feeling wasn’t mutual.

We had a great time together, but sometimes he did things to remind me that we weren’t in a committed relationship – such as talk to other girls while I was in eyesight, flirt with my friends, not return phone calls and only text or call me late at night. I dated other guys too, but none of them measured up to Brody in my mind. I really liked him and the lack of emotional security in our “relationship” coupled with my growing awareness that he was holding me at arm’s length began to erode my self-esteem. At times, Brody’s actions reeked of nonchalance toward me and I started stressing about him too much. I decided I had to get out of the “relationship” if I ever wanted to be truly happy. So, one afternoon it had come down to this: Permanently delete? Yes or No.

Twenty-four hours before that afternoon, I texted him to say “hi” and had gotten no response. Brody was up all hours of the night and his cell phone is practically an extension of his hand, so I knew, once again, that I was being ignored. (Besides, Facebook mobile makes it pretty hard for someone to prove that he didn’t see your call/text when he clearly used his phone to update his status.) I was fed up. I needed a drastic measure. So, I took the advice from countless women’s magazines and “get over him” websites and I decided to delete him from my phone. Never mind the fact that I had his number memorized, this was a symbolic gesture. The phone represented my life. And deleting him from my contact list was the first important step to deleting him from my life.

As I stared at the phone, I began to ask myself some questions. Did I have the willpower (or even the want-to) to delete Brody from my life? To risk letting go of something I had been working overtime to hold onto for so long? To finally accept that all of my efforts would never result in a happy ending for us? Was I ready to throw in the towel – the tattered towel I had been using to wipe the tears from my face?

Sure I wanted things to change between us. I was sick of unreturned phone calls and ignored text messages. Sick of waiting for him to decide that I was worth more than the occasional late night text. Sick of waiting for him to change his mind and give me a real chance. Sick of the overanalyzation with my friends. Sick of the feelings of inadequacy. Sick of thinking about, dreaming about and wanting someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same way about me. I needed a change.

But did that change involve deleting him permanently?

Did I want to end things before they even had a chance to start (even if that chance to start had been held up by him indefinitely)? Did I want to lose a friend? Was I, in the words of Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw, so addicted to the pain, the excruciating pain of wanting someone so unattainable? Or did I really have hope and, by deleting him, would I be prematurely throwing all hope away?

The answer seems obvious – delete him. But maybe it’s not that simple.

My cell phone is still waiting.

Permanently delete this contact? Yes or no?



*name has been changed

Written on: 1/20/09